Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!

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I’m not here to fix your problems, i’m here to set an example of what happens when your problems don’t get fixed.


ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking… and this [copilot starts sick beatbox] is your captain rapping


Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.


Cashier: And how are you today?

Me: Incandescent with rage. You?


I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.


My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace


[Judas standing alone waiting to be picked for dodgeball]

-Come on it was one time guys

*Jesus drags the CPR dummy to his side of the gym*


Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?

-People who are about to piss you off


[sloth wedding]


[six months later]