@dulcetry

Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!

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@freudianscript

I’m not here to fix your problems, i’m here to set an example of what happens when your problems don’t get fixed.

@DanMentos

ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking… and this [copilot starts sick beatbox] is your captain rapping
ALL OUT OF FUEL
ALL OUT

@WilliamAder

Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.

@Fickle_Filly

Cashier: And how are you today?

Me: Incandescent with rage. You?

@TimfromDa70s

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

@AwkwardAndOdd

My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace

@BakedBrotatoes

[Judas standing alone waiting to be picked for dodgeball]

-Come on it was one time guys

*Jesus drags the CPR dummy to his side of the gym*

@ayyyyloser

Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?

-People who are about to piss you off

@UnFitz

[sloth wedding]

“I”

[six months later]

“do.”