Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
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As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
The big book of baby names but for safe words
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.