@pplwtching

Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.

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@ClichedOut

HER: where were u last nite

ME: *turns on airplane mode*

HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???

@DelilahSmashbox

I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]

Me: creative differences

@LifeUnPinterest

Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.

@TechnicallyRon

Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’

@JosesLovesYou

“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer

@fivethirtyeight

Becoming hard to tell difference between credible news organizations like 4chan and troll sites like New York Post.

@LibyaLiberty

“So,why r all Arabs terrorists?”
‘All?’
“Well,most.”
‘There’s 369,243,763 Arabs.If they were mostly terrorists,you’d be dead’
#ArabInAmerica