Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
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M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Baller is short for ballerina
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”