Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.

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HER: where were u last nite

ME: *turns on airplane mode*

HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???


I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.


Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]

Me: creative differences


Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.


Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’


“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer


Becoming hard to tell difference between credible news organizations like 4chan and troll sites like New York Post.


“So,why r all Arabs terrorists?”
‘There’s 369,243,763 Arabs.If they were mostly terrorists,you’d be dead’