@pplwtching

Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.

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@InternetHippo

[thoughts of person talking to me]: He’s furrowing his brow, he must really be listening!

[my brain]: How do cows make cheese

@sixfootcandy

My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.

@LlamaInaTux

Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you

Her Mom: what?

Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this

Her Dad: are you serious?

Me: *patting his belly* yes

@TheBoydP

No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….

@JustDontBugMe

Job: something you do to make enough money to buy three avocados at one time.

@peeb_z

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No

@markleggett

Google+ is not a “ghost town”, because a town filled with ghosts would actually be fun.

@kjmeow

I swear my toddler yells at me in Vietnamese

@Shock_Monster

If life had a ‘CTRL + ALT + DEL’ option, you bet your ass I’d be hitting that thing about 14 times a day.

@roxiqt

According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.