Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
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Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
the red hot silly peppers
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
satan: not today, microsoft teams