@JaySaysStuff

Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.

Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.

- @JaySaysStuff

You Might Also Like

@Cheeseboy22

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

@Megatronic13

My kid: I’ll look

Me: No, no one is going to look

Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-

Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON

@shutupmikeginn

if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun

@LetMeStart

My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.

@jimmytorosian

I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET

@CompChristopher

If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers

@TheMichaelRock

If you’re bored, go find someone under the age of 20 and explain beepers to them.

@existential_d

[salem]

judge: we’re burning you alive for being a w-

her: a witch?

judge: i was gonna say woman but holy shit that’s a good excuse

@Darlainky

A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.