Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
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[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’