@pilau

HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!

Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale

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@asaltiercorpse

Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!

Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.

@Vodkantots

Let It Snow is my favorite song about people who don’t understand how weather works.

@AndrewNadeau0

My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”

@someonesmomma

Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?

~people

@theregoesrichie

If you also bump into furniture and apologize to it, you can be in our secret society.

@Zwolf666

Oh my god, killer snails are after us. Walk. Walk for your lives.

@Reverend_Scott

Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER

Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT

Dog: probably eat the cat LOL

Dog 911: LOL

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?

Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*

@Carbosly

Me: *dies*

My kids: *taking out Ouija board*

H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?

@Death_Buddy

*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.