@pilau

HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!

Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale

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@iAmDelFreaky

Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*

Him: What’s funny?

Me: Nothing.

Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*

Me: Ha! Photo bombed!

@whatmaddness

Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?

My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.

@chuuew

This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]

@WilliamAder

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

@CulturedRuffian

Her: I like long walks on the beach.

Me: Is there WiFi?

Her: Where?

Me: The beach.

Her: What?…No.

Me: We should see other people.

@Schroofles

I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.

@daemonic3

me: i always get so hungry when i’m high, want some taco bell?

driving test instructor: no

@bartandsoul

“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.

@Whatevah_Amy

The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.