Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
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Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Me: The beach.
Me: We should see other people.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
me: i always get so hungry when i’m high, want some taco bell?
driving test instructor: no
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.