My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
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I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Everybody always says they want a fairytale wedding, but when I show up and curse their newborn, suddenly I’m a jerk.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.