@SSparklesDaily

Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.

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@girl_a_whirl

My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.

@WilliamAder

I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.

@Diversion50

Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix

@Skoog

when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”

@dizzydes86

Everybody always says they want a fairytale wedding, but when I show up and curse their newborn, suddenly I’m a jerk.

@hardlyrelevant

“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*

@jellybnbonanza

Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.

-Management

@patnspankme

CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.