@Laser_Cat

Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.

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@c_gawker

if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world

@byrdie_num_num

Haven’t worn a watch in 20+ years. Coincidentally, I haven’t poured my drink on the floor when asked for the time in 20+ years.

@NotARatsAss

My dad will walk across the living room with a bowl of soup to the brim, shoelaces untied, because history has taught him nothing.

@garrettbarry70

Currently helping my wife looking for her favourite vase that I threw out six months ago.

@daemonic3

[math class]

teacher: ok, so how would you order a subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?

me: by crawling to the counter lmao

teacher: again, please get out of my class, or your son gets an F

@callie_cakes

Pro Tip: Don’t EVER tell a 10yr old boy that you don’t “get” X-Men.

Because. They. Will. Explain. It.

@Book_Krazy

Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people

Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave

@Darlainky

I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.

@MissHavisham

5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.