Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
You Might Also Like
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Sheep
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Herpes is trending, good job people
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.