None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
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cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.