I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
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*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]