hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
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gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Ha
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
There is no try. There is only give up.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor