@UncleDuke1969

Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!

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@david8hughes

Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.

@seamussaid

I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”

@joshgondelman

I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”

@DelanieFischer

People who don’t have a name for their newborn,

What the shit did you do for 9 months?

@ibid78

[eharmony] based on your responses, your perfect match is a trashcan..
[me] aww
[eharmony] ..full of raccoons
[me] omg I love raccoons

@copymama

[Baby shower]

Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.

@CrockettForReal

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: that’s a mandolin

@DamienFahey

When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”

@This_Josh_guy

[end credits roll]

“I did not see that coming”

“Dude that was titanic”

@AimeeHelene1

*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*