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“A little help here, Danny?”
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Kids: Stay in school.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh