My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
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[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.