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HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.
WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.