HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
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I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
I drew y’all a little something.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people