I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
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I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Trying
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?