@dxblarssonENG

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE RAISING A CAT ARMY.

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@CulturedRuffian

No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.

@TheTweetOfGod

My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.

@SteveSuckington

[Taken 26]

Abductor: I have your great granddaughter

LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago

@jackiembouvier

Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”

@danfishbach

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

@SortaBad

I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience

@GrantTanaka

Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help

@ibid78

Do I have friends? Are we allowed to count the enemies of my enemies? Then yes, I have a bunch of friends.

@abhorrent_wife

Please, baseball fans. Enthrall me with complex details about a game where someone hits the ball with a stick and runs around in a circle.

@Darlainky

What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.