No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE RAISING A CAT ARMY.
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My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Do I have friends? Are we allowed to count the enemies of my enemies? Then yes, I have a bunch of friends.
Please, baseball fans. Enthrall me with complex details about a game where someone hits the ball with a stick and runs around in a circle.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.