HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
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I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.