[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
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How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
April 1st is the class clown of days.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
This meal prepping shit is easy
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)