@SatansTongue

HOT SINGLES NEAR YOU

BURNING SINGLES NEAR YOU

1ST DEGREE BURNED SINGLES NEAR YOU

DEAD SINGLES NEAR YOU

??? ????’? ??? ????

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@ElgatoEsmio

If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.

@Twitflup

“Excuse me shopkeep, where are your Terminators?”
“Aisle B, back”.

@PinkCamoTO

*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*

Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…

@AndyJokedAgain

DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers

@4ScoreN20Bowls

It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.

@sad_tree

She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!

*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*

@psybermonkey

Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene

Me: how??

[Earlier]

Me: better floss before drowning this guy

@AimeeHelene1

My CW just barked.

Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.

@shutupmikeginn

Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?