If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
HOT SINGLES NEAR YOU
BURNING SINGLES NEAR YOU
1ST DEGREE BURNED SINGLES NEAR YOU
DEAD SINGLES NEAR YOU
??? ????’? ??? ????
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“Excuse me shopkeep, where are your Terminators?”
“Aisle B, back”.
*lies down in bed*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*
Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
You’ve heard of elf on a shelf; now get ready for…
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?