Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
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Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
is nasa ok
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream