Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
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Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.