Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
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[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.