If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
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*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Well, my evening plans are ruined
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.