@jackiembouvier

Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.

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@Brianhopecomedy

My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.

@electrolemon

to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors

@shariv67

There was no bonus fry at the bottom of the bag. But the story has a happy ending. I found it later in my sports bra.

@BeardedSteel

*stealthily lowers myself from the ceiling into co-worker’s office

*sprays breath freshener into his mouth before the meeting

*retracts

@JasonNotEvil

[ad for florist]

Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?

@meatgrindr

Hunger Games Synopsis
Katniss: I’m in over my head, the govt wants me dead, I’m scared
Both Male Leads: Ok but do you LIKE like me

@Cpin42

[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy

@MattMcElaney

Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.

@jonnysun

its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk

@PajamaBenLaden

*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*