My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
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to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
There was no bonus fry at the bottom of the bag. But the story has a happy ending. I found it later in my sports bra.
*stealthily lowers myself from the ceiling into co-worker’s office
*sprays breath freshener into his mouth before the meeting
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Hunger Games Synopsis
Katniss: I’m in over my head, the govt wants me dead, I’m scared
Both Male Leads: Ok but do you LIKE like me
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*