Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
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My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Finished stitching this today 😇
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son