@dlockw21

Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?

Me: 37

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@iRowlf

Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.

@MelvinofYork

What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision

@SaraMansford

*Maintains eye contact with the soccer mom feeding her kid organic kale chips while giving my kid a snickers bar.

@decentbirthday

I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack

@VodkaTiem

Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?

@AbbieEvansXO

Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die

Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy

@TheWeirdWorld

We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.

@noog

*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.