Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?

Me: 37

You Might Also Like


My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.

I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.


wife: do u want a glass of water?

me: of what?

wife: water

me: a glass of what?

wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup


Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.


1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”


‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’

–Me, every 45 minutes


Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.


The nicotine patch is great. I get my addiction out of the hands of the evil tobacco industry and into the loving arms of big pharma.


At my funeral, I want the organist to start playing “Pop Goes the Weasel” really slowly, until everyone is staring at the coffin in dread