@dlockw21

Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?

Me: 37

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@TheBeerGuy73

My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.

I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.

@16bitbulbasaur

wife: do u want a glass of water?

me: of what?

wife: water

me: a glass of what?

wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup

@aveuaskew

Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.

@lloydrang

1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”

@sock_holliday

‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’

–Me, every 45 minutes

@RunOldMan

Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.

@JElvisWeinstein

The nicotine patch is great. I get my addiction out of the hands of the evil tobacco industry and into the loving arms of big pharma.

@BMCarbaugh

At my funeral, I want the organist to start playing “Pop Goes the Weasel” really slowly, until everyone is staring at the coffin in dread