My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
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wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
The nicotine patch is great. I get my addiction out of the hands of the evil tobacco industry and into the loving arms of big pharma.
At my funeral, I want the organist to start playing “Pop Goes the Weasel” really slowly, until everyone is staring at the coffin in dread