Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
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Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news