@dlockw21

Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?

Me: 37

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@inmynewskin

Let your girlfriend know how much you love her by screeching loudly like a pterodactyl whenever she talks.

@ComedicBust

[History Channel]

Veteran: [terrified] And then he died.

Reporter: But what was it like only having to memorize 1 password for everything?

@dubstep4dads

“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”

@athleisure_monk

FRIEND: What 3 books would you have on a desert island?
ME: My first book is more books.
F: What? These aren’t wish—
M: Second book’s a TV.

@jellybnbonanza

I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.

@notacroc

BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?

@alyssalimp

Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine

Me today: 2pm time for bed

@LurkAtHomeMom

[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep

[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut

@jammiiepants

He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.

@steveolivas

If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?