Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
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What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
*Maintains eye contact with the soccer mom feeding her kid organic kale chips while giving my kid a snickers bar.
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?