[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
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Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
🤭😂
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests