@3sunzzz

[hotel fire alarm]

M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?

H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.

M: impressive

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@Easy_Tiger__

If Kristen Stewart played the daughter in Taken, Liam Neeson would probably just let the bad guys have her.

@OzCricketFan81

Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.

@garrydavenport

Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them

@myles_morrison

Two men came to the door asking if I’d found Jesus.

I said “Hell no. I don’t want to have to spend my weekends bothering people at home.”

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape

INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses

@TheToddWilliams

[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive

[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.

@man_spach

When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.

@rickygervais

Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.

@polyhumorous

I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.

@SufficientCharm

Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.