If Kristen Stewart played the daughter in Taken, Liam Neeson would probably just let the bad guys have her.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
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Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Two men came to the door asking if I’d found Jesus.
I said “Hell no. I don’t want to have to spend my weekends bothering people at home.”
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.