You Might Also Like

@bossy_bootz

Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind

Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’

Me : Be there in 10 min

@DothTheDoth

Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.

@KyleMcDowell86

[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]

@Mirimade

Death: I’m coming for you.

Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.

Death: Lol, k.

Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.

Death: You’re not even that hot.

@LafWhenLifeSux

My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.

@CafeinatedBacon

Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!

Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?

@Ixwie

Ever show ur mum a tweet that u find funny and instead of laughing she just asks ‘who’s that?’ Like I don’t know but that’s not the point

@TheHatStore

[spider party]

black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here