Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
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Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.