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@caithuls

The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself

@ehdannyboy

Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.

@AnOrangeSNES

Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*

@Phreemann

Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.

@weinerdog4life

“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”

@juliussharpe

With all the conflicts in the world, the board game Risk has taught me the first thing we should do is invade Australia.

@RunOldMan

I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.

@iwearpajamas

My girlfriend talks to her dog like it’s going to talk back.

Kind of like when Christians talk to God.

@cluedont

Why does my wife always wait until I’m at the opposite end of the house before asking me to ‘Merm frner mernferr brnerfer!’?