Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
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Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Ever show ur mum a tweet that u find funny and instead of laughing she just asks ‘who’s that?’ Like I don’t know but that’s not the point
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here