Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
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I am, perchance
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
liiiiiiiiike
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Note to self: I am a note