If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
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Inspirational Tweet: The journey of 1,000 miles begins with “daaaaad I have to peeeeee”
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.