Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
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Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
happy friday
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
this has to be peak English
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible