Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
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This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Cpr instructor: ok get down next to the dummy
*Everyone kneels beside me*
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
”I want to ruin some songs today.” -The producers of Glee every morning.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in