@AimeeHelene1

Hotel garbage cans are way too small.

How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!

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@donni

If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.

@hazelmotes1

Inspirational Tweet: The journey of 1,000 miles begins with “daaaaad I have to peeeeee”

@badbanana

Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.

@ch000ch

one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year

@SteveSuckington

Me: I need to sleep

Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss

@OtherDanOBrien

ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors

@crunchenhanced

Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?

@Tbone7219

On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.