@AimeeHelene1

Hotel garbage cans are way too small.

How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!

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@rahrahtempleton

Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.

@ConanOBrien

This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: it’s not illegal

Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.

Me: but it’s not illegal

Cop: no, no it’s not

@DurtMcHurtt

Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.

@steeve_again

Cpr instructor: ok get down next to the dummy

*Everyone kneels beside me*

@TheAlexP

*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*

Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?

I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.

@samalmightysam

”I want to ruin some songs today.” -The producers of Glee every morning.

@handsock_butts

me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!

cop: [unplugs the treadmill]

@heyitsJudeD

Why is my body letting me get a cold?

I gave it an orange only last week….

@ProdigyNelson

Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in