Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
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“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃