Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.

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I set up a trap to catch the tooth fairy but she caught on and placed my parents in the trap instead. what a tricky fairy.
PS. i want my $1!


Meanwhile India is just blown away that you can get Britain to leave by voting


[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!

Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.


[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.


‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French


I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you


Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions

Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?


*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets