@hello_saylor

Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.

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@josePhDhoran

I set up a trap to catch the tooth fairy but she caught on and placed my parents in the trap instead. what a tricky fairy.
PS. i want my $1!

@BobbyBigWheel

Meanwhile India is just blown away that you can get Britain to leave by voting

@3sunzzz

[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!

Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.

@CopBroughtPizza

[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.

@stockejock

‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French

@slaughthie

I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you

@KimmyMonte

Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions

Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?

@behindyourback

*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets