@hello_saylor

Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.

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@Christi_Q

Star Wars has given me unrealistic expectations of who my father is.

@LeBearGirdle

*eulogy*

Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo

Me: dad always hated my banjo

M: whew

Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now

@SamSkoronski

PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.

@KalvinMacleod

KIM JONG-UN: I’m banning sarcasm

ME: well that’s just great

K: what?

M: I reeeally hate sarcasm

K: seize him…I think

@primawesome

This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.

@EndhooS

[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons

@murrman5

[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??

@DamienFahey

The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.