@hello_saylor

Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.

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@hasht4g

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.

@hermanntrude

Baker: this new dough tastes burned and feels like twigs

Friend: tie it in a knot and cover it in salt. It’ll be PERFECT

@iAmDelFreaky

I’ve decided to shave off my eyebrows and draw them in. It’s pretty cool, except when I have to redraw them to show somebody I’m angry.

@CulturedRuffian

Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.

[ working from home ]

Me:

@sparticus_af

no caffeine: day 6

-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead

@geowizzacist

Me: The brake pads breaked.

Mechanic: Broke.

Me: The broke pads breaked.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?

7 raccoons on Zoom:

@KokonutRum

sorry the church is on fire, did i mentioned i studied abroad