Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
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Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
‘I know a black person’
– White people