Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
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Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
“Wait, let me explain..”
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?