Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
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Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
time for some seasonal decor
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Ken is short for chicken
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.