[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
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I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.