@Mr_Kapowski

[hotel room]

Wife: *laying seductively on bed in lingerie* “C’mere baby”

Me: “OMG. Get off that bedspread. The hotel doesn’t wash those”

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@anna5skin

my mom and my little brother switched phones and my mom received this text and I am crying lmaooo

@LizerReal

Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.

Me: Whew! Thank goodness.

Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.

@Molly_Kats

There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.

@notmythirdrodeo

my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?

@shatterpants

I like to tell people “it’s a black thing, you wouldn’t understand.”And they’d be all “but you’re white”
I told ya you wouldn’t understand.

@notthenanny

My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.

@WilliamAder

How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.

@AddledPixie

Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.