@Mr_Kapowski

[hotel room]

Wife: *laying seductively on bed in lingerie* “C’mere baby”

Me: “OMG. Get off that bedspread. The hotel doesn’t wash those”

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@SteelFontana

Bad: Getting bit by a spider…
Worse: …inside your mouth…
Worst: …while making out with someone.

@ThereWillBeGin

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

@iamburtjarvis

911: whats the emergency?

?: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?

4-year-old: You!

Me: Who’s your favorite dad?

4: Mom.

So close.

@fro_vo

PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people

@LostCatDog

Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.

@Reverend_Scott

me: what does that cloud look like to you?

her: please just open the parachute

@ByrdMan0914

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.