[hotel room]

Wife: *laying seductively on bed in lingerie* “C’mere baby”

Me: “OMG. Get off that bedspread. The hotel doesn’t wash those”

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my mom and my little brother switched phones and my mom received this text and I am crying lmaooo


Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.

Me: Whew! Thank goodness.

Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.


There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.


my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?


I like to tell people “it’s a black thing, you wouldn’t understand.”And they’d be all “but you’re white”
I told ya you wouldn’t understand.


My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.


How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.


Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.