Bad: Getting bit by a spider…
Worse: …inside your mouth…
Worst: …while making out with someone.
Wife: *laying seductively on bed in lingerie* “C’mere baby”
Me: “OMG. Get off that bedspread. The hotel doesn’t wash those”
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Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Where does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
911: whats the emergency?
?: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Mmmmm white people
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.