Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
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“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.