Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
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I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
what my late-night hot pocket sees
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie