*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
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first date idea we go to marriage counseling
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Noah
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.