[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
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[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
🙂🐾
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Breaking news:
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!