[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
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My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
#dalle2
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Sending in my taxes
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.