When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
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Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises