“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER

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Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.


It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in


[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know



ME: What do we want?!


ME: When do we–oh


If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.


I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.


ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple

ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.


[interview for CIA]
Your résumé says you’re a master in hand-to-hand wombat. Is that a typo or-
*I’ve already thrown a wombat at his face*


Britney is stranded on an island
Britney is starving
Britney forms tool out of rocks and sticks
Britney sees a fish
Britney Spears


I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.

We all have family for that..