“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
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me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Pretty much! 😂👀
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.