@SaraQDavid

“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER

You Might Also Like

@SondraDeeMe

Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.

@EazeAli4

It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in

@rockymomax

[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know

@kfoagkfoag

“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”

ME: What do we want?!

“TIME TRAVEL!”

ME: When do we–oh

@Pork_Chop_Hair

If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.

@mack44_d

I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.

@dorsalstream

ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple

ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.

@87bidi

[interview for CIA]
Your résumé says you’re a master in hand-to-hand wombat. Is that a typo or-
*I’ve already thrown a wombat at his face*

@Jay_FrickinLynn

Britney is stranded on an island
Britney is starving
Britney forms tool out of rocks and sticks
Britney sees a fish
Britney Spears

@stanleybehrman

I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.

We all have family for that..