@haikuplatypus

Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:

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@DannyZuker

You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.

@GohansMom

Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total

@junejuly12

him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?

me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar

@ginger_xtc

build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day. set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

@thenatewolf

Women are so confusing, one day they say they love hummus and then the next day they say it’s a bad birthday present.

@GroperCleveland

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.

@BlindVigil

“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”

Commas can make a world of difference…

@Parkerlawyer

Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.

Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.