Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
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Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Wikigenius
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.