[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
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I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Found the job I’m suited for
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
I have a place for everything. The floor.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty