Look Disney all I’m saying is that if my stepdaughter brought a bunch of birds and mice into my mansion I’d make her clean up that shit too.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
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If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
QA Manager: And what is the protocol when an aircraft comes inbound with a suspected Ebola case?
“WTF. Planes can catch this shit too?”
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
If Watergate happened today it would be called Watergategate.
Me, opening my eyes to see I have two minutes left before my alarm clock goes off:
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
I’m just a boy. Standing in front of a girl. Who is changing into a werewolf. Now I’m standing in front of a werewolf.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.