House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
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Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
sigh
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?