@iLikeCatShirts

House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.

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@carlyken

Look Disney all I’m saying is that if my stepdaughter brought a bunch of birds and mice into my mansion I’d make her clean up that shit too.

@DrunksWithGuns

If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.

@novicefather

QA Manager: And what is the protocol when an aircraft comes inbound with a suspected Ebola case?

“WTF. Planes can catch this shit too?”

@WilliamAder

Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.

Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.

@kumailn

If Watergate happened today it would be called Watergategate.

@scrueggs

Me, opening my eyes to see I have two minutes left before my alarm clock goes off:

@UnFitz

Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.

Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?

@dugglebutt

I’m just a boy. Standing in front of a girl. Who is changing into a werewolf. Now I’m standing in front of a werewolf.

@WendyLiebman

I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.

@louisvirtel

The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.