House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
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My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.