House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!

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I’m basically Switzerland.

I’m cold and you have to get really high in order to truly appreciate my beauty.


Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*

My organs: We strike at dawn.


Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.


Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.


Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There’s like 10 women to each man and they’re already there looking for things they don’t need.


facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂

me: nah it’s ok—

facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂

me: [tearing up] th-thanks


“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”


“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”


Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.


ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park

COP: no

ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol

COP: I’m not


FARMER: The storm destroyed half our crops

TRUMP: Have you thought about taking the existing crops and just sort of combing them over th