@wendchymes

House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!

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@ShadyLadyHH

I’m basically Switzerland.

I’m cold and you have to get really high in order to truly appreciate my beauty.

@mommajessiec

Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*

My organs: We strike at dawn.

@danjan13

Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.

@Darlainky

Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.

@Exkarma

Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There’s like 10 women to each man and they’re already there looking for things they don’t need.

@mostlysharks

facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂

me: nah it’s ok—

facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂

me: [tearing up] th-thanks

@Fred_Delicious

“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”

“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”

“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”

@AaronMichael_

Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

@VapingSonic

ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park

COP: no

ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol

COP: I’m not

@InternetHippo

FARMER: The storm destroyed half our crops

TRUMP: Have you thought about taking the existing crops and just sort of combing them over th