@mattgallo123

House arrest? You mean permission to excuse myself from social interaction? Oh no, judge. Please don’t.

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@jake_lach

Lady pulled away with the gas pump still in her car and I was like OMG who’s your dealer?

@RobDenBleyker

Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.

@impaulmccoy

Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?

Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.

@TheDjinnTrials

Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.

@iGreenMonk

They tried it standing up, sitting down and bent over the kitchen table but it was no good – they just couldn’t get a decent wi-fi signal.

@peterjames48

We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”

@Brianhopecomedy

In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.

@iRowlf

Can prisoners ask for The Olive Garden’s Endless Pasta for their last meal?
If so, I think I just found a loophole in our judicial system.

@Shock_Monster

Hush little baby,
Don’t say a word.
Daddy’s gonna buy you a bunch of crap so he doesn’t have to hear your incessant whining ya spoiled brat.

@bdbdleeroybrown

Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.