Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
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My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
goldfish mafia
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend