My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
House arrest? You mean permission to excuse myself from social interaction? Oh no, judge. Please don’t.
You Might Also Like
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
boys need to work on keeping their Instagram up to date with good pics. I can’t show my mom some pic of a fish you caught 120 weeks ago
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Turns out if your grandmother dies more than 6 times in a year, HR will start to question your request for time off.