@mattgallo123

House arrest? You mean permission to excuse myself from social interaction? Oh no, judge. Please don’t.

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@SardonicTart

My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.

@bigmacher

When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.

@SnarkyMommy78

My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.

@Danny_McH2O

I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.

And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.

@everygirI

boys need to work on keeping their Instagram up to date with good pics. I can’t show my mom some pic of a fish you caught 120 weeks ago

@stephenjmolloy

Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”

*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*

@joeljeffrey

When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells

@Donna_McCoy

You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.

@beefman138

I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.

@thatUPSdude

Turns out if your grandmother dies more than 6 times in a year, HR will start to question your request for time off.