Lady pulled away with the gas pump still in her car and I was like OMG who’s your dealer?
House arrest? You mean permission to excuse myself from social interaction? Oh no, judge. Please don’t.
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Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
They tried it standing up, sitting down and bent over the kitchen table but it was no good – they just couldn’t get a decent wi-fi signal.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Can prisoners ask for The Olive Garden’s Endless Pasta for their last meal?
If so, I think I just found a loophole in our judicial system.
Hush little baby,
Don’t say a word.
Daddy’s gonna buy you a bunch of crap so he doesn’t have to hear your incessant whining ya spoiled brat.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.