INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
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Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.