House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
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Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
me irl